I have learned a lot in my first semester of college. I can say that I would have never thought I would be taking a 19^th century Romance in Russian Literature course in college, but I’m glad I did. I entered college with no idea on what courses I wanted to take and chose Russian Literature by impulse which is not like me at all. Russian Literature has taught me many things about both literature and society in the 19^th century in Russia. In all the years I’ve attended school, I didn’t know much about Russia. The most I knew were the part they played in historical events but never their culture or how society was at one point. I enjoyed learning about what I hadn’t learned through pieces of writing provided and educational videos and PowerPoint slides since I always liked learning about history. In addition, I learned to like all the literature I’ve read so far. In the beginning, it’s always hard to grasp something or warm up to what you are reading. I’ve learned to recognize the similarities and differences in all the writings and novels. Many would involve subjects such as dueling, which was a common thing Russian nobility did in the 19^th century. Dueling, distinct kinds of love, narcissism, masochism, and sadism were just one of the other many topics I learned to analyze in 19^th century Russian romance novels. A couple of the pieces of literature I found interesting was Leo Tolstoy’s The Kreutzer Sonataand First Love by Ivan Turgenev. The Kreutzer Sonata spoke of marriage and adultery in different perspectives and in a twisted story. In First Love is where I first learned about Masochism and Sadism. I thought it was interesting to see a 19^th century version of how people stay in relationships where they are the masochist and how partners can be sadists. But most of all, what both literature classes have taught me is how to write better. In high school, I was taught to follow a specific format for specific essays. It would sometimes be difficult for me to incorporate my own style in the writing. When I entered college, I found out that the way we were learning to write our essays in high school were much more different to the kind of essays you write in college. Though it has only been a few months and I’m still learning, I’ve learned to appreciate learning how to properly write essays and incorporating my own style in them. It has been a difficult journey, and I’ve caught myself getting frustrated when writing. However, I’m also beginning to accept that when mastering any skill, you’re always learning and always practicing becoming improved.  I will always make a mental note to continue to reread the readings we were assigned so I can continue to improve in my writing.  

In 19^th century Russian Literature, there are many authors that portray narcissism in their own way through their novels. Stories like “A Hero of Our Time” by Mikhail Lermontov and “The Torrents of Spring” by Ivan Turgenev demonstrate their own portrayals of narcissism in their characters Pechorin and Sanin. In “A Hero of Our Time” the story consistently shows how the main character of the story, Pechorin’s own narcissism becomes the cause of all events that occur in his life. Something that started purely for his own selfishness and entertainment begins to backfire, later ruining his image and potential romantic relationships. And as for Sanin in “The Torrents of Spring”, he’s not as noticeably of a narcissist compared to Pechorin, but as the story goes on, his actions begin to add up to how they work in his favor. Sanin starts off as playing the good guy who pleases everyone when in reality, this act is to build up his image and how everyone perceives him. In the end, after gaining what he’s been chasing after, also self-destructs. Both characters are people that play imposters and end up exposing themselves for who they really are. 

In the article “Narcissism and Romantic Relationships: The Differential Impact of Narcissistic Admiration and Rivalry” by Wurst, Stefanie N., et al. The article discusses the science behind narcissism (specifically grandiose narcissism) and the reason why relationships with narcissists tend to not last long-term but work short-term. They explain the experiment they conducted with narcissistic admiration and rivalry. These could be described as the positive and negative actions narcissists make in order to upkeep with their narcissism. For example, narcissistic admiration is what a narcissistic person does in order to uplift their image in a positive way like grooming themselves and developing a persona that is deemed likable. Narcisstic rivalry is when a narcissistic person tears other people down to make themselves feel superior, often judging others in the qualities that they lack. Both characters Pechorin and Sanin relate to many topics discussed in the article. For starters, both characters have been revealed to have certain qualities that proves they may have the trait of grandiose narcissism. Grandiose narcissism “is defined as a personality trait characterized by an inflated and overly positive view of the self, including a strong sense of superiority, specialness, and entitlement” (by Campbell qtd. in Wurst). Throughout these stories, Pechorin and Sanin have shown the qualities listed.  

In terms of grandiose narcissism, one thing that categorizes Sanin under it is from his appearance. Appearance is one of the major parts of grandiose narcissism and how it benefits narcissists in their short-term romantic relationships. The article states “…prior studies have found that narcissism is related to a series of romantically attractive characteristics. These include an appealing and groomed appearance (Back et al., 2010; Gangestad, Garver-Apgar, Simpson, & Cousins, 2007; Vazire, Naumann, Rentfrow, & Gosling, 2008), high confidence, a high capacity for status (W. K. Campbell et al., 2006; Paulhus, 1998; R. Raskin & Terry, 1988), high self-perceived attractiveness (Gabriel, Critelli, & Ee, 1994) …Consequently, individuals with high scores on narcissism are perceived by the opposite sex as likable, physically and sexually attractive, and having high mate appeal (Brunell & Campbell, 2011; Dufner, Rauthmann, Czarna, & Denissen, 2013; Holtzman & Strube, 2010; Jauk et al., in press).” (qtd. by Wurst, et al.) Physical appearance are one of the reasons narcissists can attract people and do so well in short-term relationships or dating. In “The Torrents of Spring” Sanin is described as someone good-looking with qualities like “…very, very good-looking. A handsome, graceful figure, agreeable, rather unformed features…and, above all, that peculiar, naïvely-cheerful, confiding, open, at the first glance, somewhat foolish expression, by which in former days one could recognise directly the children of steady-going, noble families…And secondly, he was not stupid and had picked up a fair amount of knowledge” (p. 34). Sanin was known to be not only attractive, but also wealthy and intelligent which are qualities that can work in his benefit when it comes to finding temporary love interests. This can also apply to Pechorin, with him being a high rank officer. His place in society can attract people towards him with a high level of respect for him.  

In addition, not only did Sanin have the benefit of his good looks, but with his personality too. Sanin often played the role of a protagonist or hero in the story. He often went out of his way to please and entertains others in exchange for their attention. He’s seen doing this many times throughout the story, the first time being when he first met Gemma and her family in Frankfort and her brother, Emilio was in danger and close to dying. In “Narcissism and Romantic Relationships: The Differential Impact of Narcissistic Admiration and Rivalry” it is explained that “Narcissism is related to interpersonal strategies and behaviors that are relevant for the initiation and maintenance of social relationships. To achieve their central goal of gaining and maintaining a grandiose self-view, individuals high on narcissism seek admiration from others. This is expressed in self-assured, charming, entertaining, and assertive behaviors (e.g., Back et al., 2013; Back, Schmukle, & Egloff, 2010; W. K. Campbell & Campbell, 2009; Carlson, Vazire, & Oltmanns, 2011; Küfner, Nestler, & Back, 2013; Paulhus, 1998; R. Raskin & Terry, 1988)” (qtd. By Wurst, et al.) What could be seen as someone doing a good deed out of kindness turns out to be something that works in the favor of Sanin and his new situation in Frankfort. The first sign of this was the aftermath and how he decided to stay in Frankfort for a few more days after seeing Gemma and automatically showing interest in her. Sanin barely had any money left and knew he had to get back home yet he decided to stay after all in a country he was only meant to visit. And as for Pechorin in “A Hero of Our Time”, he would make sure he was charming towards Princess Mary at times to attract her and get her attention. He would act in a mysterious and confident manner that would intrigue her. He would often plan these kinds of things out. For example, in the story after having spoken to her he “I did not say another word to her all day” and planned to “not speak to her for two more days” after seeing her in the evening with Grushnitsky, someone he had made her already lose interest in (p. 115) 

Pechorin’s ego plays a major part in his narcissistic behavior, since it is what encouraged him into wanting to have Princess Mary fall for him. You can date all the way to the beginning of the chapter how from the moment he saw her, he expected that she would notice and admire him, and when his expectations were not met, he only saw it as a challenge. Pechorin often played mind games with Mary to manipulate her into becoming interested in him, since she did not pay any mind to him at all. There are several examples of Pechorin manipulating Princess Mary and many places in the text that mention Pechorin plays with Mary’s feelings solely for his own entertainment. He admits here that he felt “a boundless delight in the possession of a young, barely unfolded soul…” and compares Princess Mary to a flower and that she “should be plucked that very minute and after inhaling one’s fill of it, one should throw it away on the road…” (p. 116). This quote itself goes to show that his fueled ego and narcissism influence him to think this way of others and not care about their emotions. When he saw the results he wanted, he would only continue to manipulate others.  

Another example of his ego becoming a result to him acting out on his narcissism and manipulating people is not only from the control he has gained on Mary, but from the control he has on Grushnitsky too. Throughout the story, as Princess Mary shows more interest in Pechorin, Grushnitsky grows more with envy and jealousy towards Pechorin. Grushnitsky’s reaction satisfies Pechorin because it shows the effect he can easily have on people, only making him feel more superior. There are several examples of Grushnitsky growing more and more angry with Pechorin. One of the major examples is when Pechorin begins to plot against Pechorin for his own downfall. Pechorin makes and observation and thinks “Many are ill-disposed toward me since the last ball, especially the Captain of Dragoons, and now, it seems, an inimical gang is actually being organized against me, under the leadership of Grushnitsky” (p. 126). From here it became obvious that Grushnitsky began to plan Pechorin’s downfall and have people go against him. However, like I previously said, this only amused Pechorin since his narcissism plays a part in his self-assurance and cockiness. I response, he says “I am very glad; I love my enemies, although not in a Christian sense: they amuse me, they quicken my pulses” (p. 126).  

To further explain, while both Mary and Grushnitsky entertained him and increased his narcissistic supply in his narcissism, it only fueled the ego that was already there. He thought of himself superior and expressed how he saw those he manipulated as inferior, even before playing mind games with them. It is revealed in the story that Pechorin and Grushnitsky were never friends and more so like frenemies. They were friendly with each other, yet still against each other like they were competing. Pechorin has always thought lowly of Grushnitsky, with his age and rank playing a part. In the text he gives a detailed description of him and in a part of his many thoughts he mentions “Grushnitsky has the reputation of an exceptionally brave man. I have seen him in action: he brandishes his sword, he yells, he rushes forward with closed eyes. Somehow, this is not Russian courage!” (p. 85). He views Grushnitsky as a fraud and this, he looks down on. With Princess Mary is a similar thing. She is young and naïve and “the young princess looks at them [men] with a certain contempt” (p. 94), hinting that she is inexperienced with love and romance. He takes advantage of this and uses it for his own benefit. This is where Narcissistic Rivalry comes in, meaning “the narcissistic tendency to protect oneself from a negative self-view by derogating others. Individuals high on Rivalry strive for supremacy by devaluing others, and they engage in selfish, socially insensitive, arrogant, hostile, and aggressive behaviors that lack interpersonal warmth, trust, and forgiveness… (Back et al., 2013; Lange et al., in press; Leckelt et al., 2015).” (qtd. By Wurst, et al.) 

A more critical thing to mention is that his narcissism had a long-term effect in his life by the way he leads his own life. Several things he has done was unethical, especially in Russian society in the 19^th century. Having been in an affair between two women and dueling over a woman was the icing on the cake. He was a what you would consider a player and a womanizer. He let his narcissism have control over his own life leading to his own destruction. In “Narcissism and Romantic Relationships: The Differential Impact of Narcissistic Admiration and Rivalry” by Wurst, et al. This is known as the long-term effect in relationships explaining that “In past studies, individuals high on narcissism who were involved in long-term romantic relationships showed low levels of commitment and investment, reported a larger number of and higher attention to potential alternative partners…” (Brewer, Hunt, James, & Abell, 2015; Brunell & Campbell, 2011; Buss & Shackelford, 1997; W. K. Campbell et al., 2006; W. K. Campbell & Foster, 2002; W. K. Campbell, Foster, et al., 2002; Cramer, 2011; Foster, 2008; Foster & Campbell, 2005; Foster et al., 2006). (qtd. By Wurst, et al.). Sanin also self-sabotages in “The Torrents of Spring” when he decides to cheat on his betrothed, Gemma with a married woman. He had sacrificed the future of a marriage to be in an unsatisfactory relationship with the woman and her husband.  

 Some might disagree and argue that narcissists are not aware of their actions, however an article on a study say otherwise. In “Honestly Arrogant or Simply Misunderstood? Narcissists’ Awareness of their Narcissism” by Erika N. Carlson the article states “if narcissists lack true insight into their narcissism, they will fail to realize that they tend to behave in narcissistic ways, and they will not understand the social costs associated with narcissism” (Morf & Rhodewalt, [39]) ptd. By Carlson. This article argues that if narcissists aren’t aware, then they wouldn’t see their narcissism as what they percieve it to be which is usually something that benefits them. Just like how Pechorin chooses this path of wickedness, aware that he could lead a morally better life instead of always having to prove to himself and others that he can get what he pleases. As previously said, Pechorin orchestrates the act of hurting people close to him (such as Vera and her marriage, Princess Mary and Grushnitsky) for his own pleasure. However, he often questions his own actions, knowing he could do things differently, in a more morally correct way. Here, he thinks to himself “I sometimes despise myself. . . Is this not why I despise others? . . . I have become incapable of noble impulses… I am afraid of appearing laughable to myself. Another man in my place would offer the young princess son caeur et sa fortune…” (p. 137). 

 In this quote he wonders why it is so difficult for him to commit any good deeds, that if he does, he could make a fool out of himself which could bruise his ego. He also mentions Princess Mary does not deserve to get the treatment he is gives her. This, he dislikes himself for. Apart of him wants to be a good person instead of acting upon his narcissism. Knowing he can change himself and still develop good relationships with people, he continues to sabotage his own potential future with either Princess Mary or Vera and develops more people against him. An example of this is at the end of the chapter, when Pechorin leaves the resort empty handed and alone, having nothing change from the beginning. At the end, he is alone, awaiting the next phase in his journey. He describes himself as “… a sailor born and bred on the deck of a pirate brig. His soul is used to storms and battles, and, when cast out on the shore, he feels bored and oppressed, no matter how the shady grove lures him, no matter how the peaceful sun shines on him” (p.162). This proves that in the end, Pechorin will always choose to play the villain in his own story. He plays villain in other people’s lives just for him to eventually face the consequences for his bad deeds. He claims to easily get bored and that is why he would rather interfere in other people’s lives.  

 Some readers may think otherwise and say that the characters Pechorin and Sanin are not causing damage to their lives. But there are many examples of them doing so throughout the story. The damage that they cause themselves can be simply explained with their habit of developing good and satisfactory relationships for a short time and then them losing interest when it becomes long-term. It is also proven that they are aware of their actions and character traits that coincide with narcissism.  

     Works Cited  

Carlson, Erika. “Honestly Arrogant or Simply Misunderstood? Narcissists’ Awareness of Their Narcissism.” Self and identity 12.3 (2013): 259–277. Web. 

Lermontov, Mikhail I. U, and Marian Schwartz. A Hero of Our Time. New York: Modern Library, 2004. Print. (pp. 85-162) 

Turgenev, Ivan. The Torrents of Spring By Constance Garnett 

1897 (pp. 34) 

Wurst, Gerlach. “Narcissism and Romantic Relationships: The Differential Impact of Narcissistic Admiration and Rivalry.” Journal of personality and social psychology 112.2 (2017): 280–306. Web. 

Throughout the novel “A Hero of Our Time” by Mikhail Lermontov, the story consistently demonstrates narcissism and how the main character of the story, Pechorin’s own narcissism becomes the cause of all events that occur. As we know, Pechorin makes it his mission to pursue Princess Mary, but at what cost and with what intentions? It is known that in narcissistic love, the only purpose their significant other’s love serves is to boost the narcissist’s ego. Pechorin seeks for the validation and attention of Princess Mary’s, only to fuel his ego and how highly he thinks of himself, all while sabotaging the potential he has in finding happiness and hurting others as well.  

Pechorin’s ego plays a major part in his narcissistic behavior, since it is what encouraged him into wanting to have Princess Mary fall for him. You can date all the way to the beginning of the chapter how from the moment he saw her, he expected that she would notice and admire him, and when his expectations were not met, he only saw it as a challenge. Pechorin often played mind games with Mary to manipulate her into becoming interested in him, since she did not pay any mind to him at all. There are several examples of Pechorin manipulating Princess Mary and many places in the text that mention Pechorin plays with Mary’s feelings solely for his own entertainment. He admits here that he felt “a boundless delight in the possession of a young, barely unfolded soul…” and compares Princess Mary to a flower and that she “should be plucked that very minute and after inhaling one’s fill of it, one should throw it away on the road…” (p. 116). This quote itself goes to show that his fueled ego and narcissism influence him to think this way of others and not care about their emotions. When he saw the results he wanted, he would only continue to manipulate others.  

Another example of his ego becoming a result to him acting out on his narcissism and manipulating people is not only from the control he has gained on Mary, but from the control he has on Grushnitsky too. Throughout the story, as Princess Mary shows more interest in Pechorin, Grushnitsky grows more with envy and jealousy towards Pechorin. Grushnitsky’s reaction satisfies Pechorin because it shows the effect he can easily have on people, only making him feel more superior. There are several examples of Grushnitsky growing more and more angry with Pechorin. One of the major examples is when Pechorin begins to plot against Pechorin for his own downfall. Pechorin makes and observation and thinks “Many are ill-disposed toward me since the last ball, especially the Captain of Dragoons, and now, it seems, an inimical gang is actually being organized against me, under the leadership of Grushnitsky” (p. 126). From here it became obvious that Grushnitsky began to plan Pechorin’s downfall and have people go against him. However, like I previously said, this only amused Pechorin since his narcissism plays a part in his self-assurance and cockiness. I response, he says “I am very glad; I love my enemies, although not in a Christian sense: they amuse me, they quicken my pulses” (p. 126).  

To further explain, while both Mary and Pechorin entertained him and increased his narcissistic supply in his narcissism, it only fueled the ego that was already there. He thought of himself superior and expressed how he saw those he manipulated as inferior, even before playing mind games with them. It is revealed in the story that Pechorin and Grushnitsky were never friends and more so like frenemies. They were friendly with each other, yet still against each other like they were competing. Pechorin has always thought lowly of Grushnitsky, with his age and rank playing a part. In the text he gives a detailed description of him and in a part of his many thoughts he mentions “Grushnitsky has the reputation of an exceptionally brave man. I have seen him in action: he brandishes his sword, he yells, he rushes forward with closed eyes. Somehow, this is not Russian courage!” (p. 85). He views Grushnitsky as a fraud and this, he looks down on. With Princess Mary is a similar thing. She is young and naïve and “the young princess looks at them [men] with a certain contempt” (p. 94), hinting that she is inexperienced with love and romance. He takes advantage of this and uses it for his own benefit. 

What’s equally important to mention is the kind of narcissist Pechorin is and how the kind of person he is reflects on something deeper within his earlier years. As you observe Pechorin’s thoughts and actions, you can infer that he is a vulnerable narcissist. While trying to woo Princess Mary, one of the ways he does so is by opening up to her on a personal level. He explains to her why he may act cold towards her and come off as mysterious. He admits here and says “…I became secretive. I felt deeply good and evil – nobody caressed me, everybody offended me: I became rancorous. I was gloomy – other children were merry and talkative. I felt myself superior to them – but was considered inferior” (p. 119). This quote perfectly demonstrates how he became a vulnerable narcissist: becoming secretive and then still being quiet in his adulthood in addition to him viewing himself as above others. It was noticed by many from the way he carried himself.  

A more critical thing to mention is that his narcissism had a long-term effect in his life by the way he leads his own life. Several things he has done was unethical, especially in Russian society in the 19^th century. Having been in an affair between two women and dueling over a woman was the icing on the cake. He was a what you would consider a player and a womanizer. He let his narcissism have control over his own life leading to his own destruction. 

 Some former readers of this novel might disagree that Pechorin has led himself to his own fall in the way he did but on the contrary of what they say, Pechorin chooses this path of wickedness, aware that he could lead a better life instead of always having to prove to himself and others that he can get what he pleases. As previously said, Pechorin orchestrates the act of hurting people close to him (such as Vera and her marriage, Princess Mary and Grushnitsky) for his own pleasure. However, he often questions his own actions, knowing he could do things differently, in a more morally correct way. Here, he thinks to himself “I sometimes despise myself. . . Is this not why I despise others? . . . I have become incapable of noble impulses… I am afraid of appearing laughable to myself. Another man in my place would offer the young princess son caeur et sa fortune…” (p. 137). In this quote he wonders why it is so difficult for him to commit any good deeds, that if he does, he could make a fool out of himself which could bruise his ego. He also mentions Princess Mary does not deserve to get the treatment he is gives her. This, he dislikes himself for. Apart of him wants to be a good person instead of acting upon his narcissism. Knowing he can change himself and still develop good relationships with people, he continues to sabotage his own potential future with either Princess Mary or Vera and develops more people against him. An example of this is at the end of the chapter, when Pechorin leaves the resort empty handed and alone, having nothing change from the beginning. He then reflects on his stay at the resort, “And now here, in this dull fort, I often scan the past in thought, and wonder why I had not wanted to tread that path, which fate had opened for me, where quiet joys and peace of mind awaited me? No, I would not have got used to such an existence!” (p. 162). Pechorin again wonders why he does not let himself choose the path of living happily without tormenting himself and others. At the end, he is alone, awaiting the next phase in his journey. He describes himself as “… a sailor born and bred on the deck of a pirate brig. His soul is used to storms and battles, and, when cast out on the shore, he feels bored and oppressed, no matter how the shady grove lures him, no matter how the peaceful sun shines on him” (p.162). This proves that in the end, Pechorin will always choose to play the villain in his own story. He plays villain in other people’s lives just for him to eventually face the consequences for his bad deeds. He claims to easily get bored and that is why he would rather interfere in other people’s lives.  

 Some readers may think otherwise and say that Pechorin is not causing damage to his own life. But there are many examples of Pechorin doing so throughout the story. It is obvious that he does so because of his narcissistic tendencies and conflicts with himself, unsure of what he truly desires. Pechorin’s actions and how he not only tears down others but himself too, bring attention to how narcissism can contribute greatly to one’s life.  

I was born and raised in New York, and like many of those that live here I am the child of
an immigrant. Most of my family had slowly started immigrating in the 1990s from the
Dominican Republic to New York. I’ve also lived in the Bronx most of my life, which is a very
different atmosphere from how outsiders view New York. Many view New York as luxurious,
somewhere people shop for designer brands and live in penthouses, but that is not the case, and
many tend to struggle living here. Especially in the Bronx, it can be much more difficult to
manage and find a balance. Despite all the negative things one might think of this borough, to
me, the Bronx is where I feel the most at home. Just like New York in general, there are so many
people of different backgrounds and yet you could still connect with them in some way.
However, there are also a lot of people of the same background you could find which I always
found comforting. Everywhere you went, you could spot aspects of Dominican culture
somewhere, even just small minor details. Someone could be playing the usual music we listen
to, or you could hear them talking to each other in the street with their obvious accents.
On the other side of things, I also embraced American culture in New York, probably
even more as the years go on due to assimilating. However, I still did things such as eating both
ethnic and American foods, speaking both Spanish and English and so on. From the 18 years that

I’ve lived here it has sometimes been a struggle to balance two different cultures and to
understand the concept of my lifestyle compared to others in the city.
One of the quotes from Joan Didion’s “Goodbye to All That” that really caught my
attention was “…programmed by all movies I had ever seen and all the songs I had ever sung and
all the stories I had ever read about New York, informed me that it would never quite be the
same again” (226). Here, the narrator talks about how much of an influence many works of art
based on living in New York affected her and her perspective of this place. I found this very
relatable because in my personal experience, I did all those things as well. For as long as I could
remember, I would watch films with my family about New York then when I got older, I’d
watch TV shows and read magazines and novels about here. It might seem a bit strange to do all
of this whilst living in New York and experiencing some of the things mentioned my family had
influenced me so much on how I view living here. For example, my mom and her brothers were
either born here or immigrated here while they were still adolescents. They grew up here and
enjoyed it even though they’d face hardships with learning a different language and living in a
low-income neighborhood. They’re the reason why I view living here in such an optimistic way
and tried to not let my struggles or financial status get in the way of enjoying how I spend my
time here (sometimes).
As naïve as it sounds, knowing my future can go a different path, New York is always
going to be there for me, and I’ve always thought I’ll live here for the rest of my life. There’s no
place like New York and I cannot see myself ever settling down somewhere like the suburbs. I
can travel the world, or even stay at a different country for however long, but I feel that I will
always come back. Because of what I was exposed to from a very young age, I see the city in
such a positive light. My family always viewed this country as a land of opportunity. I cannot

imagine the struggles they have endured both here and, in their homeland, but what I know is
that they worked hard to get here. I will continue to strive here in the city knowing that
somewhere there’s always an open door and an available spot. You can think of this place as
crowded but, with this many people in one area is always a lot more people in need of others.
But growing up, I struggled with comprehending how class and money played a part in
where you lived in New York and what you did in your time. What I saw in the media was
different from my reality. I wasn’t like these people I read about or watched at all. The only thing
I related to with these made up characters or celebrities in magazines was the occasional
exploring around Manhattan. My normal was walking around my block and usually only doing
things at my block. I shopped at my block, went to the park, had friends there, everything I
needed was at least a five-block radius. I hardly ever stepped out the borough up until high
school and had not experienced or seen much.
Life in New York is often glamorized, when you read a book or watch a movie or show,
they usually talk about downtown Manhattan. As a child I still loved being in the Bronx but was
often confused because it was not glamourous here. I didn’t get why my apartment didn’t look
like the ones in Manhattan or why I didn’t have a large bedroom with a walk-in closet like they
showed repeatedly in the media. It took me a while to understand that a large portion of New
York can’t afford to live that lifestyle and though it may not be entirely fair, it’s fine if you’re not
extremely wealthy. When I got older and started exploring more, it opened my eyes. I do not
think I ever entirely thought negatively about New York, instead I developed an understanding
for how things function around here and that it can sometimes fit in the terms of “survival of the
fittest”. I see the positive side in the city being highly competitive, which makes you want to

strive to be at your best. I learned to appreciate all parts of where I live and that no matter what
part of New York you live in, there’s always upsides and downsides that come with it.
When it comes to living here, the first thing you probably think of is money. That’s why I
found “My Misspent Youth” by Meghan Daum intriguing when I was reading it and was
probably one of my favorite essays to read because it showed the reality of how it is to live here.
It also helped me realize that sometimes you need to be logical and practical when it comes to
your desires, that you need to find a balance and figure out a way to manage. You can have a set
dream and have goals, but there is a process that comes with reaching them and that you should
make yourself aware of. A quote that I liked was “I’ve always been somebody who exerts a great
deal of energy trying to get my realities to match my fantasies, even if the fantasies are made
from materials that are no longer manufactured, even if some governmental agency has assessed
my aspirations and pronounced them a health hazard.” I do not fully relate to this but, it had me
thinking about my fantasies and how badly I wanted them to become reality. It is fair to say
balance is something many people want, or to be well off enough to not stress about the financial
part of things. I may not have a specific plan but one of my desires is to have that financial
freedom that many people want. I want to live comfortably and not worry about not being able to
buy something I want or go somewhere I want to visit. Some could consider this as childish as
how the speakers of both essays mentioned sound, but that is the whole point of why I am
writing this. Since I am still young, I think a lot like how these speakers described themselves
when they first came to New York. I have lived here my whole life but being in a different
environment makes me want to be exposed to more things like how these two characters aspired
for at first. I’ll always go back to New York and I’ll always go back to the Bronx but as I
mentioned before, learning about other parts of the city is something I want to do as well.

Though I have embraced who I am and where I live, I also want something different and better
for myself, like everyone else does. I can stay in the same area and still want to elevate and step
up from something. I am very much aware that the things I want are usually a luxury, and luxury
was a thing I used to be confused about. But everyone has their desires and wants to live in
prosperity, which is not a bad thing at all, it will just be harder to get in New York, it is still
something you can achieve.
To conclude, my overall experience in New York has taught me to not be embarrassed
about where I am from and to never hide my true self. I have always been unapologetic about
where I am from and how I am not what you see in a typical novel, television show or movie
about living in New York. I have learned to love all of New York and want to learn more about
everywhere since I am still young and have not experienced everything. I view things in a more
positive way because I am not yet bored of New York or stressed about what I must deal with on
a day to day basis. Apart of me still wants to live like those who are wealthy, but I would also be
happy with my own version of that type of comfort. This goes to show most of the time I am on
neither side on whether New York is good or bad and that I just accept it for what it is.

I am Ashanti Garcia, and I am currently a freshman. At the moment I am undeclared but, along my journey in college I will come up with a decision on the path I think I’m more interested in and that best fits for me in the time being. I’m now currently interested in business and public relations but also might consider environmental science. What I hope to accomplish in college is a sense of direction. In addition, I would like to gain skills that I’m hoping to develop an understanding of in the span of 4 years. Some of the many things I would like to improve in thinking more critically and writing better. And since college is a place where I can learn about a variety of things, I will take advantage of that while I study my intended major. One thing for sure is after college I want to start a business or have already started one. I want to use what I have learned, and my talents combined to make a living and enjoy it while doing so. And of course, I would like to have found a career set for myself and have a variety of jobs I could consider making my career.  

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